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Please Act Now to Claim Your Prize

Title: Please Act Now To Claim Your Prize
Pairings: None
Word Count: 385
Disclaimer: Like I own this.
Summary: Thorin's invitation sounds like a Nigerian Prince letter and everyone thinks it's a scam.


Lord Elrond was very surprised one fine summer day when a elvish messenger rode into Imladris and handed him a scroll. It was very official-looking, made of fine vellum and sealed with an image of a single solitary peak. The elf lord looked it over curiously, then brought the scroll inside where he unsealed it and began to read.

Dear Sir, It said, written in a thick rectangular hand.

Have you ever wanted to go on an adventure? Well this is your chance. I, Thorin Oakenshield, have been cruelly displaced from my rightful place as King Under the Mountain and am in need of your aid. I am looking for stout companions to join me in my quest to defeat the dragon Smaug and retake my homeland, and this could be you. No experience or special skills are required to apply, just a loyal hand, a willing heart and enough pocket money to cover your expenses. Transportation and meals on the way will be provided for you and though your safety is not guaranteed that just makes the journey more exciting.

However, should we survive and succeed in our quest you will receive an equal portion (up to but not exceeding 1/14th of) my kingdom's regained treasure mountain and my eternal gratitude. But you must act now for positions within my company are very limited and if you miss this opportunity it will not come again. If you agree to these terms please send your deposit of five gold to: Thorin Oakenshield, c/o Balin son of Fundin, Tumunzahar, the Blue Mountains.

This will reserve your place on the journey of a lifetime (any amount over five gold will be considered a donation to the cause and treated accordingly).

Your eternal servant,
Thorin Oakenshield
Heir to Durin's House
Former Prince of Erebor
King-in-Exile Under the Mountain

Upon finishing the letter, Lord Elrond looked at it in astonishment before shaking his head. "Con artists get braver every year, I hope Thorin knows there's some lunatic out there ruining his good name. But you'll need more skill than that to fool an elf as old as I."  Then Elrond threw the scroll into the fire and went about his day.

And far, far away, Thorin Oakenshield screamed in the face of yet another rejection. "I just don't understand!"


End

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
crayeol
Jan. 29th, 2013 06:37 pm (UTC)
I cried so hard.
rata_toskr
Jan. 30th, 2013 02:43 am (UTC)
Tears of laughter I hope?
cunning_croft
Jan. 29th, 2013 09:35 pm (UTC)
This is perfect. You've pretty much nailed the letter. :)

This would explain why Balin seems to be in charge of the contracts.
rata_toskr
Jan. 30th, 2013 02:58 am (UTC)
Thanks! And yes, that would be why- they learned their lesson.
coldryuuza
Feb. 3rd, 2013 05:51 am (UTC)
HAHAHA. excellent!!
rata_toskr
Feb. 3rd, 2013 07:08 am (UTC)
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
(Anonymous)
Mar. 21st, 2013 07:38 am (UTC)
This is why you gatecrash and peer-pressure people into joining your company. If he'd sent this letter to Bilbo things would have gone very, very differently.
Hilarious fill, the form letter is beautiful and I could picture Elrond's "are you f***ing kidding me" look so perfectly... X)
(Anonymous)
Apr. 22nd, 2013 01:00 am (UTC)
so great
Ahh, this was so hilarious. XD I actually burst out laughing! Am still laughing while writing this comment, in fact. Oh, simply great. Well done!

The mental images... Ha hah, I'm still laughing... :'D
rata_toskr
Apr. 22nd, 2013 01:14 am (UTC)
Re: so great
Glad I could brighten your day.
and_dream_of
May. 1st, 2013 09:41 am (UTC)
This is my favourite humour story in the Hobbit fandom. Poor Thorin!
rata_toskr
May. 1st, 2013 02:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks :)
sirius_luva
Oct. 7th, 2013 06:04 pm (UTC)
I CACKLED SO MUCH, OMG. *pats Thorin on the head*
rata_toskr
Oct. 7th, 2013 06:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks :) You know it's the kind of thing he word do, especially book Thorin who was a wordy bastard.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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