Disclaimer: If I owned the Hobbit no one would die
Summary: Kíli thought that courting Bilbo would be the hard part. He was wrong, sex was the hard part.
When Kíli fell in love with Bilbo Baggins, he thought that courting the hobbit would be the hard part and indeed it was an uphill struggle.
The dwarf began with his people's methods, at least the ones that could apply, but each was only an exercise in frustration and futility. His first attempt, the gift of his own craftsmanship, was met with polite thanks and a smile, yet Bilbo obviously did not comprehend the true meaning of Kíli's actions because nothing between them changed. So a spoon was not the most obvious of courting gifts but the dwarf had to work with what he had and surely it was the thought that counted?
When Kíli tried again and asked the hobbit for a demonstration of his skill with Conkers, Bilbo thought that the dwarf was mocking him and stormed off in a huff. Complimenting the hobbit's pleasant stoutness produced a similar reaction and to Kíli's great distress the other would not speak to him for days.
After such abject failures, he moved on to blunter methods, those that would be considered rather forward among dwarves, and even these did not make Bilbo see. Thus when Kíli asked the hobbit to braid his hair, the other looked flattered but claimed that he did not know how and the dwarf was too surprised by this to continue his attempts that night.
Other offers met similar refusal and Kíli would have thought that the hobbit was rejecting him if Bilbo had shown any signs of knowing what was going on. As it was, when the company reached Rivendell without any further progress, Kíli decided to throw caution to the wind and simply proposition Bilbo because maybe then he would finally understand. So the dwarf waited until the rest of their companions had left the room and then walked over to the hobbit and tried to make his feelings clear.
“I care for you deeply, Bilbo and I was wondering if you would allow me the honor of sharpening your sword tonight so that we may become even closer.”
The hobbit smiled brightly at him and for a moment Kíli dared to hope that he had realized the true meaning of his words, until Bilbo opened his mouth. “I like you too. It's so nice to have friends isn't it?” He replied, handing the dwarf his blade and heading after the others.
Kíli watched in frustrated disbelief and then tossed Bilbo's sword aside to beat his head against the wall. Aargh, why did I use a fucking euphemism?
But the dwarf couldn’t bring himself to ignore all propriety and so in desperation he searched out Gandalf and threw himself upon the wizard's mercy. “You have to help me, I've tried everything and he just doesn't get it. How do hobbit's court?”
The wizard blinked in consternation at Kíli before he smiled and pulled a book out from somewhere in his robes. “Here you go,” Gandalf said, handing the volume to the dwarf. “This should be just the thing you need.”
As the wizard walked off, Kíli looked down at the book in his hands and wondered if this was some kind of joke. The volume was over an inch thick with The Young Hobbit's Guide to Courting printed in shiny gold lettering on the front cover and all the dwarf could think was Why would Gandalf even have this? But he had nothing to lose, so Kíli opened the book to the chapter entitled Declaring Your Intentions and read the instructions carefully.
All the trouble it took him to find a seven-petaled red flower was worth it to see Bilbo blush and the light of comprehension finally appear in his eyes when Kíli tucked the blossom gently behind the hobbit's ear. From then on the Guide never left the dwarf's side and he followed its word as law.
Hobbit courting was apparently incredibly complicated, and required a number of flowers, tokens, and other tidbits that were difficult to find out on the trail. However, Kíli persevered and when Bilbo gave him a sketched portrait, one of three accepted signs of returned interest, the dwarf could not stop beaming for a day.
Finally, twenty-six extremely specific steps later, Kíli placed his mithril pendant around Bilbo's neck and clasped his hands gently. Then the couple sang and kissed beneath the oak trees under the moon's soft light and counted themselves betrothed.
From then on Bilbo let Kíli curl next to him at night, held his hand as they walked along the trail and traded chaste kisses with him throughout the day. If things never went further than that then the dwarf was not particularly worried because he didn't really want to have sex in front of the rest of the company either, and Thorin's disapproving scowl was enough to put anyone off his game.
However, when the group arrived at Beorn's Hall and finally had beds and rooms with doors that locked, Kíli thought that this would be his chance. But when the dwarf followed Bilbo into his chamber that night and started undressing, the hobbit looked at him quizzically.
“What are you doing? Don't you have your own room? And don't you sleep in a nightshirt?”
Kíli was taken aback by all these questions when he thought his motives should be rather obvious and stammered in response. “Well sometimes. I mean, not usually. And I could get another room but I thought, since we were betrothed now and we have this fantastic bed here, we could make use of it?”
“Oh? Oh!” Bilbo blushed furiously and nodded. “Yes we can do that. Let me just get under the covers and then you can blow out the light and join me.”
The hobbit quickly climbed under the blankets and while Kíli thought this was a little strange, he was hardly going to turn down a yes. He's probably just shy, the dwarf mused as he blew out the lamp and then slid into bed next to Bilbo. I'll cure him of that soon enough.
Kíli felt a little awkward since he was used to being able to see his partners, but he eventually managed to find the hobbit with his hands and leaned down to kiss him gently. Bilbo's lips were soft and warm and he melted into Kíli, wrapping his arms around the other's neck and pulling him closer. Thus emboldened, the dwarf rocked down against the hobbit and when Bilbo moaned, Kíli licked his lover's lips and then teased his tongue into his mouth.
To which the hobbit replied by shoving the dwarf off and throwing himself backwards. “Um, what?” Kíli asked, feeling rather suddenly bereft.
“You can't do that!” Bilbo exclaimed.
“Kiss you?” The dwarf asked in confusion, not understanding what exactly he had done wrong.
“That was not a kiss. That was unsanitary!”
“Oh, ok. So no tongues then, I got it. Just come back here will you?” Kíli pleaded and the hobbit inched forward again, looking at him warily in the faint light of the moon.
When Bilbo was close enough, the dwarf reached out and kissed him again, chastely this time, until the hobbit finally relaxed. Then Kíli slowly laid him back down on the bed to begin once more, and for awhile everything was perfect. The dwarf kept kissing Bilbo as he ran his hands across the hobbit's soft skin carefully and then lower to wrap around his length.
This apparently was allowed for Bilbo arched up into Kíli's grip and they both groaned as he stroked firmly. The dwarf teased his hobbit higher and higher, pumping his cock slowly and running his thumb lightly over the tip with every other stroke.
Pleasure coiled in him as Bilbo's face twisted and Kíli couldn't resist leaning down and nipping gently at the hobbit's ear. When the dwarf licked the tip, Bilbo bucked against him and he thought I'll have to remember that. Kíli grinned and started whispering to the hobbit as he ground against his leg again and again.
“Mahal, look at you. Spread out and gasping beneath me. I want to see your face when you come and see your face when I drive into you. When all you can feel is the heat of me inside you as I claim you as mine alone. Or should I fuck you on all fours so that I can thrust in hard and deep and ruin you for any other.”
Bilbo flushed redder with every word and then slammed a hand over Kíli's mouth. “No more talking,” he gasped out even as he threw his head back and spilled into the dwarf's hand. The feeling of the hobbit's nails scraping his back while Bilbo writhed against him sent Kíli over the edge as well and they collapsed together in a sticky, filthy mess.
The dwarf thought smugly that this first attempt had gone rather nicely despite the initial hiccup with the kissing and sprawled out comfortably by the hobbit's side. Bilbo curled into him as he drifted off to sleep, and Kíli felt utterly content, even when the hobbit muttered softly, “Dunno how you think you're fucking me though. 'm not a woman.”
Either he had heard Bilbo wrong or they had a world of fun times ahead as he introduced his betrothed to the many pleasures of the flesh and Kíli was sure that things could only get better from here. So he wrapped an arm around the hobbit's shoulders and followed him down into dreams.
When the dwarf woke he was warm and content, at least until Bilbo shrieked and shoved him out of the bed.
“Aagh, I'm filthy. Why didn't you clean us up? And you're still naked. Why are you naked?”
Kíli shook his head to clear it and rolled over to look at the hobbit from where he was sprawled out on the floor, trying to make sense of what the heck was going on. “Why wouldn't I be naked? It isn't cold out.”
“But it's daytime. You can't be naked during the day or someone might see you. I might see you!” Bilbo threw his arms up in the air in obvious exasperation but the dwarf was just even more confused.
“Wait, so we can't be naked in each other's presence if there's any light at all? Even though we're betrothed and together forever and all that?”
“Right,” the hobbit nodded and started gathering up his clothes, making sure to keep the bed sheet wrapped around him at all times.
“But what about lazy morning sex? Or quick and frantic afternoon sex? Swimming in a lake sex? That's almost like bathing isn't it, only you know, together.” Kíli asked desperately, hoping to find a loophole somewhere.
“Good lord, no! That all sounds positively indecent. I am a proper hobbit and I don't know how you dwarves do these things but there will be none of that here. Now I'm going to go take a bath, alone, and I expect you to have some clothes on by the time I come back.”
The hobbit huffed off toward Beorn's bathhouse, muttering about foolish dwarves and impropriety. Kíli watched him go in disbelief, as he thought mournfully, but those are all the best kinds.
Though the dwarf tried to convince Bilbo of this fact or at least of the joy of experimentation, his efforts were to no avail. All attempts to do anything more than kiss while the sun was in the sky were rebuffed firmly, as were more innocent forms of nudity, until Kíli finally offered in desperation to just do it through their clothes.
That received a shocked glance and another strong denial and once the lights were off the rules did not go away. Kíli's suggestion of a blow job was met with an incredulous, “You want to put your mouth where?” and from then on the dwarf's head was forbidden from moving below the hobbit's neck. The concept of penetration, which dwarves rather took as a given, was also met with wide-eyed disbelief and quickly added to the list of improper acts.
Bilbo tolerated other efforts to spice things up a little better, in fact he even seemed to enjoy them, but talking dirty and changing positions were only allowed up to a point. Anything past this point was met with the disapproving frown that Kíli was quickly coming to dread.
The dwarf tried to convince the hobbit to at least try some of these things before rejecting them but it was no use because his love stood firm. Kíli tried not to resent the rules too much because he still loved the hobbit dearly and to be fair the sex they did have was always fantastic. It was just frottage, nothing but frottage in the dark and as the days passed without him even managing to see Bilbo completely unclothed, the dwarf's frustration grew.
Kíli became increasingly snappish with the rest of the company to avoid taking it out on his betrothed and their worried looks just made him grumpier. So when Gandalf cautiously asked the dwarf if everything was all right with his relationship, he exploded in fury.
“I love him but he's driving me fucking nuts. Or not fucking actually and that's the problem. I mean it's not like I want to force him into something he doesn't like but he won't try anything and he keeps looking at me like I'm a pervert because I want to see him properly. Seriously is this a hobbit thing or did I just get fucking lucky?”
The wizard puffed on his pipe and nodded wisely as he replied. “Oh, yes. I wondered if this would be an issue for you.”
“Gandalf!” Kíli bit out between clenched teeth as he resisted the urge to punch the wizard in his smug face. “You knew this might happen and you didn't warn me?”
“Well I wasn't sure if it would be a problem since Bilbo is such an adventurous sort. But I guess he couldn't escape his upbringing as easily as he ran out of the Shire. However, I believe that I have just the thing.”
Gandalf smiled placatingly and pulled another book out of his robes. Seriously, why does he have these? Kíli wondered as he looked down and read, The Hobbit's Guide to Committed Sex.
The dwarf looked back at the wizard, with questions in his eyes. “Honestly. Explain. Now.”
“It's really a simple cultural matter, no reason you would have known. Hobbits are raised to be very prudish when they're young so that they don't have any accidents, such a fertile race you know, and they take relationships very seriously. That's part of the reason that their courtship is so very complicated.
Only once two hobbits manage to become properly betrothed will their parents take them aside and prepare them for the realities of married life with a book such as that one. However, Bilbo has been a bachelor for many years and his parents died when he was young so he apparently never received that lesson. So if you want something to change you'll have to find an authority figure who can explain things to him because he won't believe it from you; they're trained to resist such peer pressure.”
While Gandalf definitely knew more about the love lives of hobbits than Kíli was strictly comfortable with, his explanation seemed reasonable and the dwarf was ready to try anything. So he searched out the perfect person for the job and while it took a some convincing: a little begging, some flattery and his best pleading eyes, the dwarf eventually agreed to the task.
So that night, after Bilbo had gone to their room, Kíli gave the book to his savior and wished him luck before shoving him inside. Several hours, a couple disbelieving shrieks and a few awkward silences later, the door opened again and Thorin stumbled out.
“We are never speaking of this again,” he declared firmly before he handed his nephew back the guide and strode quickly down the hall.
Kíli entered the room tentatively but it seemed his uncle had done his work well because this time the lights stayed on and there were no disapproving frowns. While the couple took only baby steps beyond this, the dwarf did not care because now he had hope and he could build a relationship based on such small concessions. He did not need for Bilbo to suddenly become adventurous in the bedroom and if he never got to tie the hobbit up and ravish him, Kíli could live with that. All the dwarf wanted was to be able to touch his lover without fear of shame and now with a little effort he knew that they could find a middle ground where both of them were satisfied.
So it was a very happy Kíli who strode jauntily into breakfast the next morning, arm wrapped around the hobbit walking next to him. When they sat down at the table, the dwarf caught his uncle's eye and mouthed, “You're the best,” though Thorin just looked away and shuddered.
Yup, Kíli thought as he started eating, Bilbo a warm presence pressed against his side. Life is good.