Warnings: Minor violence; crack
Word Count: 1276
Disclaimer: If I owned the hobbit it would be ridiculous
Summary: The BoFA takes a very different turn when Dis arrives to collect her wayward children.
The fight was about to begin: five armies standing on the brink of such slaughter as had not existed for an age. Which was simply ridiculous.
I knew I should never have let those boys out of my sight, Dís thought, spying her targets near the gates of Erebor. But there was an entire battlefield standing in her way and the dwarrowdam had no intention of fighting her way through that morass.
So she urged her pony forward, took a breath and bellowed at the top of her lungs, “Stop this nonsense at once!”
And they did.
Indeed that first charge halted so suddenly that several warriors collided and tumbled over where they stood. For even orcs had mothers and Dís' tone tapped into something too primal to ignore. Azog himself had to fight the urge to beg forgiveness for whatever wrong he'd done, images of his dam's more unique punishments flashing before his eyes until he regained control.
In contrast to the Defiler's frozen terror, Dis' prey had decided that retreat was the better part of valor, doing their best to sneak unnoticed back into Erebor. But all it took was one firm, “Boys!” to stop them in their tracks, Fíli and Kíli turning to look at their mother guiltily.
“Hello mum,” Her youngest said, giving her a nervous little wave when she rode up. “What are you doing here?”
His question set Dís off again and her voice carried to the far corners of the battlefield as she leaped from her pony to give her sons the scolding of their lives.
“What am I doing here? I came to fetch my wayward children who snuck out without permission and ran off with my brother on this suicidal quest. What were you two 'abanshundû thinking?” She yelled, smacking each of them upside the head. “You could have been killed!
“And don't even get me started on you!” Dís continued, turning her glare on Thorin next. “Filling my boys' heads with nonsense tales of dragon-slaying and then luring them off to fulfill this madcap dream of yours. The least you could have done was leave a note; do you know how long it took me to find your trail?”
“I was rather hoping you wouldn't find it at all,” Her brother muttered and the other kings winced with him at Dís' scowl. For by this point, the five armies were far too busy watching the dwarrowdam's epic rant to even think about fighting anymore.
“Well, are you going to explain yourself?” Dís asked Thorin pointedly, hands on her hips as she stared him down.
“Uh, yes... Of course, sister. I am very, very sorry but this was just such a perfect opportunity and the boys were so excited. I couldn't break their hearts by leaving them behind.” The dwarf king mumbled, looking around for someone else to share the blame. “But, uh, maybe, we should discuss this after we deal with that army of orcs over there?”
“Fine. I will deal with them. You three will stay right here where I can see you and reflect on your sins.”
“Yes, mum.” Her sons chorused, hanging their heads like chastised puppies beneath her glare and even Thorin had the good sense to concede.
So Dís left them there and marched over to Azog, the pale orc staring down at the dwarrowdam with amusement in his eyes. Though all laughter fled when she pinned that steely gaze on him. “Don't you have somewhere else to be?”
“Sorry, madam,” the Defiler replied with a sneer. “You may terrify my enemies but you cannot frighten me. I came here to destroy the line of Durin and that is exactly what I am going to do.”
“Well, in that case...” With one smooth motion Dís drew the battle axe from her shoulders and swung it, slicing cleanly through the pale orc's neck. His head toppled to the ground, soon followed by his body, and the dwarrowdam reached down to lift her bloody prize.
“Don't you all have somewhere else to be?!” She roared with Azog's decapitated head held high and the surviving goblins decided that indeed they did. No one had ever seen an army disappear so quickly, but at the same time no one could really blame them for their terror. Because even Thranduil had to shudder when she tossed the orc's head casually to Dwalin and ordered him to deal with it.
“Now where were we?” Dís asked, turning back to her family as Thorin made one last desperate attempt to stall.
“Wait! You may have gotten rid of the goblins but before they arrived, Dáin was going to battle them.” The dwarf pointed toward the hillside where Bard and Thranduil stood without an opponent, his cousin having long since retreated back to camp.
“Of course you were,” His sister sighed, grabbing her brother by the arm. “Didn't our mother ever teach you how to share?”
“Hey!” Thorin protested as Dís dragged him up the hilltop, corralling the other kings before they could think to run. “Bard is the one who showed up with an army and started making unreasonable demands.”
On hearing this, the three quickly descended into bickering, hurling insults at each other until the dwarrowdam intervened.
“Be silent! Is this how kings should act? Throwing blame and squabbling like children who refuse to share their toys. Shame on all of you. Shame on you for trying to bully my brother and shame on you for allowing it to go this far. I thought elves were supposed to be all wise and otherworldly but you've rather failed at that. So I guess it's up to me to sort things out again. None of you are leaving this spot until you come to an agreement and I fully expect you to have a contract drafted by the time that I come back. Have I made myself clear?”
When the three kings nodded their reluctant agreement, Dís turned her furious stare on Gandalf who was busy snickering off to the side. “Don't think that I've forgotten your part in this either, Tharkûn. If not for your meddling, my boys would be safe at home right now.”
But before the dwarrowdam could continue, there was a cry from above and an eagle swooped down to grab the wizard in his claws. Gandalf gave a little wave as the bird carried him away, calling out, “It was lovely to see you again, my dear, but I'm afraid that I must run. Secret meetings to save the world and important things like that.”
“Hmph, wizards.” Dís snorted, leaving the kings to their discussion and striding back down the hill. Her sons were exactly where she'd left them and the dwarrowdam wrapped each of them in a tight hug before herding them toward Erebor. “I hope you enjoyed this adventure, lads, because I'm not letting you out of my sight again for at least a century. Just look at you, all covered in bruises and too skinny by far. Didn't your uncle even feed you right?”
As this last question drifted to their ears, Thranduil winced and Thorin grinned ferally. “I'm sure my sister would love to know exactly who's to blame for that and of course it is my duty to tell her, unless you offer me a better deal right now.”
To which the elf king muttered, “This is blackmail, absolute blackmail,” even as he knew he would agree.