Rating/Warnings: NSFW; threesome/dirty talking/public sex
Word Count: 1500
Disclaimer: What do you think?
Summary: Bilbo distracts the trolls in a very different manner.
Bilbo Baggins really doesn't want to die. And certainly not like this, roasted nice and toasty and swallowed up by trolls. But he can hardly fight them trussed up the way he is and he is only one small hobbit anyway.
Can't fight, can't run. But I have to do something cause this is all my fault. He thinks frantically, wracking his brain for a plan. Then one of the trolls starts muttering about sage and another grumbles something about the sunrise and Bilbo knows exactly what he has to do.
"Wait!" He calls out, struggling to his feet and hopping toward the trolls. "Wait! You're making a terrible mistake. With the seasoning I mean." This catches their attention and one of the creatures turns to look.
"What about the seasoning?"
"Well have you smelt them? You'll need something a lot stronger than sage before you plate this lot up." Bilbo replies, rambling on about dwarvish stew and fancy techniques. This tactic seems to be working for awhile but then one troll asks him what exactly is the secret to cooking dwarves and his blurted response is to...
"Moisten them first." Moisten, where did that come from? The troll's reaction to this answer is distinctly skeptical and Bilbo realizes that he'll have to find some way other than talking in order to hold the monsters' interest for long. He looks around frantically while spouting some rot about the importance of stewing dwarves in their own juices when his eyes fall on Fíli, struggling by his feet. Might as well go out with a bang.
"Yes, basting is the most important part of the cooking process." Bilbo says hopping over to the dwarf and kneeling awkwardly by his side. "I'll show you how it works." Then the hobbit leans down and licks a wet stripe up Fíli's neck.
The dwarf is dusty, but beneath the dirt Bilbo can taste the salt of his sweat and a hint of some exotic spice. In the shocked silence that follows his action Bilbo looks into Fíli's wide eyes and shrugs awkwardly before bending down to kiss him, properly this time. Fíli's beard is a rough tickle against the hobbit's face, but his lips are surprisingly soft and Bilbo makes a pleased noise as he sinks deeper into the warmth of Fíli's mouth.
"What is he doing?" The trolls mutter behind him.
"Doesn't seem too sanitary to me."
"With his mouth? Eew."
Bilbo breaks the kiss briefly and looks back at the monsters. "What you have to remember is that a dwarf needs to be moistened all over," he tells them as he works his hands down Fíli's body and kisses him again. It's difficult to maneuver within the sack but the hobbit knows he's found his target when Fíli bucks against him and groans into his mouth. The sound seems to break the rest of the company out of their shocked state for the next thing Bilbo hears is Kíli's outraged cry.
"Hey! That's no fair! I called dibs on the hobbit!"
"You what?!" Thorin's voice is icy with disapproval.
"I called dibs. Everyone always goes for Fíli first because of his beardstaches but I wanted this one...And you promised!"
This last is directed at his brother and Bilbo feels flattered that such young and handsome dwarves have been fighting over him, until a ripping noise distracts him from the thought. He stops nibbling Fíli's neck and sits up slightly to see that there is now a gaping hole in the canvas sack beneath him. The blond dwarf just grins at Bilbo and whispers, "Boot knife," before his arm snakes out and pulls the hobbit flush against him.
Fíli nips at Bilbo's mouth, tongue licking at the corner of his lips before pressing teasingly inside. It leaves a trail of fire in its wake and unable to take it anymore Bilbo opens to him moaning; the dwarf maps the inside of his mouth thoroughly as the hobbit rocks his throbbing cock against Fíli's solid thigh. There's another rip and suddenly Bilbo can feel cloth and skin under his hands, hot and firm beneath him and he moans again, louder.
At the noise, Kíli yells, "Okay, that is it! I'm not dying before I get my share," and Bilbo can hear him wriggling towards them over Thorin's increasingly vocal protests. The trolls, who so far have been watching in a state of mild consternation, seem even more perplexed by this new development.
"Does he want to eat them? I thought we were eating them."
"I'm not eating them, look at where they've been."
"Shut up, I'm watching his technique."
Meanwhile the rest of the company has begun calling out disparaging or encouraging remarks as fits their disposition and Thorin's outraged yells climb an octave higher. But at this point, Bilbo loses track of who is speaking over the rushing in his ears, for a warm and calloused hand has just squirmed into his pants.
"Oh!" The hobbit groans again, biting at Fíli's lips as pleasure builds within him. Bilbo has just enough sense left to return the favor, working his small hands beneath Fíli's many layers of clothing to grasp the dwarf's thick girth. It pulses hot within his hands and Fíli's grip tightens and his kisses become more frantic when Bilbo runs his fingers up and down the shaft. Then it is the hobbit's turn to shudder again when a heavy weight settles against his back and Kíli's hot breath blows against his ear.
Someone shouts, "Aah, my eyes!" as Kíli grinds against Bilbo's ass, driving him down into Fíli and pressing their dicks together. All three of them groan deeply, and Bilbo finds himself gasping into Fíli's neck as he tries to remind himself, Dawn. You just have to make it 'til dawn." But he's sure he cannot last when Kíli starts whispering to him as they rock together, the dwarf's words fanning the fire beneath his skin.
"You're just gagging for it, aren't you? How long has it been since someone touched you like this, worked you over with fingers, lips and tongue? Would you scream if I swallowed you, took your length into the wet heat of my mouth while Fíli sucks marks into your skin? I bet you would. I bet you'd scream and you'd taste yourself upon my tongue when I kiss you, using your own slick to spread you wide.
Oh you'd be tight, like a vise around my hand, but you'd open beautifully for me wouldn't you? Accept my fingers greedily until you're begging to be filled and pushing into you would be like coming home. You'd welcome it, my cock driving hard and deep inside you and still you'd gasp for more. You'd plead until I give you what you moan for, stretch you wider around my dick and hand. I bet you could take us both, couldn't you? Fíli and I pushing in together as your tight hole clenches around us, until you've never been so filled. And when we fucked your brains out, the pleasure would overwhelm you until there was nothing else but burn and stretch and skin. We'd drive deep within you, carve ourselves a place beneath your skin and you'd never feel whole without us again."
With every breath, Bilbo loses himself further in Kíli's voice, the pressure and heat that surrounds him from all sides. He cannot even groan as Fíli pushes up against him, sucking kisses into his throat for Kíli's filthy tongue has left him with no air. They rock together frantically as pleasure coils inside them, all thoughts of their audience forgotten. Bilbo hears a shout and there's a loud crack as the world disappears in light and his seed spills out on Fíli's skin. The two dwarves follow quickly and the trio collapses in a tangle of clothes and sticky limbs.
When Bilbo's vision clears Gandalf is staring down at him and he giggles at the dumbfounded look on the wizard's face.
"What on earth were you doing?" The wizard asks and the hobbit laughs again. He waves his arm at the now stone trolls in the center of the clearing and replies, "Playing for time, of course. What did it look like?"
"It looked like you were molesting my nephews," Thorin grumbles as he moves to Gandalf's side, glaring down at the halfling.
Nephews! But before Bilbo can start to panic at this news, Kíli curls deeper into his side and asks Thorin hazily, "Weren't you paying attention uncle? He was basting us, and it was mutual. Now do shut up, you're ruining my glow." Fíli grumbles his agreement from the hobbit's other side and so Bilbo feels perfectly justified in laying back down and taking a nap, his reward for a job well done.