Antarctica-or-bust (rata_toskr) wrote,

American Made

Title: American Made
Fandom: Leverage
Series: Jukebox Musical
Pairings: Eliot/Hardison
Rating/Warnings: Ridiculousness
Word Count: 947
Disclaimer: If I owned it, the soundtrack would be Kane.
Summary: Eliot and Hardison bicker about the weirdest things.

“Texas; definitely Texas. They've got the Southern charm and the Oklahoma grit and there ain't nothing like a lady who knows how to barbecue.”

“You are trippin' Eliot. The best women are from LA: tan and gorgeous and dressed to the nines. I mean, you gotta admire anyone who can walk in heels like that.”

“Speaking from personal experience, are you? You seemed pretty comfortable in those stilettos when we stole a strip-”

“Hey! We were never going to mention that damn job again, remember? You pinky swore and everything.”

“Maybe I did but, you know, it's not exactly a bad memory. All that leather and glitter and...”


“Fine. Fine. I say most LA women are too high maintenance for me. I like my women a little tougher – the kind who can hold their own in a bar fight when the chips are down. So if you don't like Texas, how about Tennessee? Still down home but a little softer around the edges and those gals can sing.”

“Give me a place without hicks and cowboy hats and maybe I'll agree with you. I don't need a girl who's manlier than I me – I've got a guy for that. What about New Yorkers? They're tough and fashionable.”

“Oh, come on. That accent? It's like nails on a chalkboard and I don't like city types.”

I'm a city type.”

“You're a hacker; that's totally different. And I'm still going to get you on a real fishing trip eventually.”

“Nature gives me hives.”

“When you walk through poison ivy like an idiot, yeah. I told you not to touch that stuff. Can I at least have Florida? All the tan you could want without it coming from a bottle and tiny little string bikinis as far as you can see.”

“Okay, string bikinis are definitely a point in your favor. All that sun-kissed skin should be a crime. But what if I want to talk about rocket science or something?”

“You don't understand rocket science and you know it. You just don't want to admit that I'm right about this one.”

“That is a dirty stinking lie. I know all about rocketizing and string bikinis do not a victory make.”

“What are you guys talking about? My comm went fuzzy after I dropped it in some orange juice.”

“Orange juice?! Where did you find orange juice in a bank vault?”

“I know, right? That was not supposed to be there and now my favorite harness is all sticky and it's gross. But you still haven't answered my question. I want to know why you've got your angry faces on.”

“Angry face? I don't have an angry face.”

“Yes you do. But don't worry, Parker, we're not really arguing. Alec and I are just discussing the sort of girls we like.”

“Girls? But aren't you dating now?”

“Yeah, so?”

“I may be dating a man but that doesn't make women unattractive.”

“Come on, Parker. Breasts are awesome. All soft and curvy and perfect in your hands-”

“Okay, seriously, you need to shut your mouth.”

“What? Are you jealous? You're the one who was talking about string bikinis.”

“Yeah, talking about looking, not fondling. You’re fucking drooling now.”

“I'm sorry, Mr. I've-slept-with-two-dozen-supermodels; I thought the fondling was kind of implied.”

“Well, you thought wrong. I-”

“Enough! You guys can bicker on your own time. Our job isn't finished yet.”

“Fine, but this conversation isn't over. As soon as we've got our client's house back, I've got a bone to pick with you.”

“Oh come on, Eliot. You know I don't want anyone else, no matter how pretty US girls might be. So get over here and kiss me, would you? Or do I need to start waxing poetic about your muscles and your hair and the way you look in reading glassmmmphh........ mmmm.............”



“Are you going to stand there gaping all night? I didn't kiss you that hard and we need to go before our mastermind flips out.”

“Seriously? You gotta give a guy time to recover after you melt my brain like that. I might program your comm to only speak Chinese.”

“Cantonese or Mandarin? Cause I think I could manage that.”

“Okay, that is not the point. The point is, I need my brain for thinking and you've taken all the blood for other things. No more kissing on the job.”

“Oh really? And who jumped who in the supply closet back in Charleston?”

“That was an aberration. It's not my fault you look so sexy when you're sweaty and anyone could have swooned a bit in humidity like that. Normally I am the master of my urges, the king of self-control, the lord of castle – What are you doing? Eliot! Put me down! I am not some damsel for you to carry off.”

“You were taking too long. So just shut and enjoy the ride, will you? If you keep squirming I'm going to drop you on your head and then we'll all be fucked – the unpleasant kind.”

“Fine; but this is boring. Even if your ass looks fantastic from this angle; do you do like butt crunches or something? Because those are buns of steel. I just wanna... Okay, fine. No touching. But if I can't touch then you have to entertain me somehow... What about girls from Colorado? I've always had a thing for winter boots.”


Tags: eliot/hardison, fic, humor, jukebox musical*, leverage, post-series
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