Antarctica-or-bust (rata_toskr) wrote,

Six Strains of Heartbreak: Dirge

Pick your favorite dwarf.  Depending on whom you pick, this will be more or less disturbing.

Title: Six Strains of Heartbreak
5: Dirge
Pairings: Onesided Dwarf/Kíli, Kíli/Bilbo (this part);[Overall Pairings]Various/Kíli, het & slash
Rating/Warning: Warnings for stalker creepiness, jealousy, suicidal thoughts
Word Count: 1033 (4254 total so far)
Disclaimer: If I owned the hobbit there would be probably be more angst
Summary: Five times Kíli broke someone's heart and one time they broke his

1. Elegy
2. Lament
3. Canon
4. Fugue

I had always known that Kíli would be mine, ever since I first saw him as a babe in Dís' arms. He had smiled at me and giggled and I knew then that he would be my one and only, the one I would love as long as I might live.

My love grew from a bright and laughing child to a handsome young dwarf, smart and skilled with sword and hammer. When he mastered fine metalwork, I swelled with pride and when he took up the art of archery, he became a vision of death which took my breath away. He was everything I had ever wanted in a mate and all I had to do was make Kíli understand that he was mine.

At first I was content to simply wait until he looked my way for he was young and not yet interested in matters of the heart. However, as he matured, I saw other heads begin to turn, human mostly for my love still lacked the beard and stature to draw most dwarven eyes, and I thought it prudent to begin to stake my claim.

Given our positions within the clan, I could not court him publicly but there were subtler ways for me to reach my goal. So I glared away all others as was my duty and my right, and I began to make my own advances.

Smiles became a litter warmer and a little dirtier, touches lingered and glances stroked his skin. I spent as much time with my love as I could and showed off my many talents but the young dwarf did not seem to notice me at all. To be honest he did not seem to notice anyone, instead wrapped up in his weapons and his craft, and although I was frustrated by Kíli's obliviousness I still had hope that someday this would change. Maybe once he reached his majority his mind would turn to romance and he would finally notice the one who had loved him all along.

Years passed as I pined away in secret and in silence, always invisible to his unseeing eyes. When I saw him, Kíli treated me as a friend or mentor only and in my despair I began to think that I might need more drastic action to claim what should be mine.  Thus when Thorin called for companions to help him reclaim Erebor, I jumped at the chance to prove my worth because I knew my love would not be left behind. So I came for gold and glory, but mostly for desire and I was sure that this adventure would let me open Kíli's eyes.

Indeed, as our quest began, I thought that my plan was working. My love had been overjoyed to see me and his wide-eyed excitement filled my heart with warmth. So I was confused when he began to pull away from me again. I was confused and pained for how could he still not realize how much I truly loved him, how the sight of his bare skin lit a fire in my loins?

Yet Kíli didn't even notice my anger when he befriended the hobbit and began riding next to him instead of me. He didn't notice how it hurt me to see him smile at someone else so brightly, and when the two became something more, I was the one who did not understand.

How can my Kíli give his love to this soft and helpless creature? How can he choose that over the brave and handsome warrior who has known him all his life?

So I tried twice as hard to prove my valor so that when Kíli's infatuation finally waned, he would realize that I was the one that he truly wanted all along. He would look at me with love in his eyes and I could kiss him just like I always dreamed. Bury my hands in that thick dark hair and pull him firm against me. Grind against that taut young body until he could think of nothing but my name and then claim him hard and fast. It would be glorious and the thought kept me warm through many a cold night out upon the trail.

However then Bilbo proved to have wit and courage and he saved Thorin when I could not. In the Mirkwood, the hobbit freed us from the spiders and he was a ray of hope in Thranduil's halls. Without him there to pass messages and bring news of Kíli and the others I might have perished under the weight of my depression.

Yet this only increased my hate and when our company was reunited once again, my heart burned with jealousy at the way my love glowed beneath the halfling's gaze.

How can Bilbo draw Kíli's attention so easily? How dare he steal what should be mine?

I refused to believe that I had lost this battle, and indeed I hadn't, for I had already lost the war.

I realized this in Erebor after the dragon was defeated, when I stumbled on the two of them locked in an embrace. They were kissing tenderly and something about the sight pierced me to the bone because they looked complete together, the hobbit and my dwarf. They were complete together and I finally understood that Kíli did not need me to be happy, not the way I needed him and that was never going to change.

I ran then as my heart shattered and all my hopes crashed down. I ran until I could run no longer and then I collapsed to the ground, beating my fists bloody against the stone as I screamed out my anguish.

Eventually I picked myself up and went back to join the others, but I was only a hollow shell going through the motions of my life. There was nothing left inside my soul to bring joy into my world and so when war came, it was the answer to my prayers. While I would not taint my family with the dishonor of suicide, perhaps this battle could finally end my hell.

6. Requiem

Tags: angst, fic, heartbreak*, kilbo, mid-series, minor pov, other slash, preseries, the hobbit
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